I am/was an addict. I am addicted to pain, to suffering and struggling.

I do not know how this addiction came…maybe out of fear, trauma and a childhood distorted education in a rigid, “orthodox” and narrow-minded society, used to accept suffering as a norm and preparing us for the redemption of our sins in a future “heaven”. Or maybe I just accumulated through past lives, inherited it in my cells and nerves from a very long genealogical tree full of suffering and struggles.

It does not matter how, it matters I am/became aware of it.

I can hold a lot, my body and psyche are used to store highly intense waves of pain and suffering and when I release them it is a tsunami of emotions and sensations and more pain again…I can handle pain in my body above the normal levels, I sometimes even I cannot feel the pain although I know is there, because is below the normal threshold…

It matters I started to contact with it and to heal it. It was difficult at the beginning as I did not know where to start, there were so many things stored in my cellular memory, while other were deleted from my brain and memories of this life. Life and the universe took care of the process, brought me people, situations and to places where I could have insights, help, challenges and support.

Since I have arrived to Norway, 2 year ago, the process intensified and somehow accelerated. I do not know if it is the age but it was like the whole Universe screaming to me: wake up, why are you losing your precious time? How long are you going to ignore what is happening inside yourself? How long are you going to resist which should be released and you do not need anymore?

I had at least 2 moments when I thought I would experience burnout. It did not happen because my body told me to stop and look to myself. It did not happen because I chose to say yes to my Pain and Struggling and to explore it, trying to understand it and work with it.

Yesterday I had a very powerful insight during a 5 rytmer dancing workshop. I understood I have created inside my own mind a wall and I kept fighting against that wall although I knew I cannot demolish it. I kept fighting because there was pleasure in feeling my own power and energy invested in this overwhelming endeavor, impossible indeed…I felt pleasure in acknowledging that the pain and the struggling can be bigger more and more I try to do this…and hurting myself was pleasurable, was fated, was part of who I am/was.

Yesterday I also understood something of great value about myself. While working with myself for several years I could contact with my sacral inner authority (I am a Generator) and I could understand how powerful it is. But its true value is not so much the power or intensity but the fact it can transform, it can transmute, allows the alchemical process of transformation start in myself, in others, in situations and places. Just by being myself my sacral authority manifest itself in many interactions with the inner landscape and journey but also with the outer world. And actually this is my real re-source and power…to be able to transform my own pain and struggle in something else, that can serve to me and to the world.

So, today and as a New year Resolution, I chose to not live in pain and struggle anymore. I chose to Love myself and to praise myself for whom I really am in all my depths and heights and weights…as I am a woman who is Enough to Herself and to the World. I am just a Light Being, a Soul who sees the beauty of herself and of the world and people.

I make this choice to release the past and suffering and to transmute all that was into something that can make sense to the healing of the Planet and to our common future. And I know that when these new things will manifest they will be perfect in their imperfection, filled with all what is needed to make a difference, to create rippled effects of change and transmutation, to bring Love and Compassion into Action.

I made a choice, and is the second ever consciously made choice I did in my life, after the conception of my Son.

And you, are you Ready to make Your Choice?

Start now, life is too short, try to not waste your time.

Invest your time and re-sources usefully, to live a happy and healthy life. Strive to be Happy, this is the only thing that matters…to you, to all dear to you and to the World.

So be it! Ashe’!